My doctor is wonderful. Once, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the x-rays.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor
If you look like your passport photo, you're too ill to travel.
Insanity doesn't run in my family. It gallops.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
Misers aren't fun to live with, but they make wonderful ancestors.
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I've finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
I'm not going to vacuum ‘til Sears makes one you can ride on.
To attract men, I wear a perfume called New Car Interior.
If you love something, set it free. Unless it's chocolate. Never release chocolate.
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
My husband wanted one of those big-screen TV's for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
I have an aunt who married so late in life that Medicare picked up 80 percent of the honeymoon.
I hate housework - you make the beds, you do the dishes - and six months later you have to start all over again.
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.