My doctor is wonderful. Once, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the x-rays.

-Joey Bishop

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

-Ronald Reagan

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.

-Zsa Zsa Gabor

If you look like your passport photo, you're too ill to travel.

-Will Kommen

Insanity doesn't run in my family. It gallops.

-Cary Grant

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

-Robert Orben

Misers aren't fun to live with, but they make wonderful ancestors.

-David Brenner

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I've finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

-Dave Barry

I'm not going to vacuum ‘til Sears makes one you can ride on.

-Roseanne Barr

To attract men, I wear a perfume called New Car Interior.

-Rita Rudner

If you love something, set it free. Unless it's chocolate. Never release chocolate.

-Renee Duvall

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.

-Calvin Trillin

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

-Rodney Dangerfield

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

-Rita Rudner

My husband wanted one of those big-screen TV's for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.

-Wendy Liebman

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

-Douglas Adams

I have an aunt who married so late in life that Medicare picked up 80 percent of the honeymoon.

-Don Reber

I hate housework - you make the beds, you do the dishes - and six months later you have to start all over again.

-Joan Rivers

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

-Henny Youngman

Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.

-Bob Thaves

date him with four or five cupcakes.

-Bob Thaves